Pippin and the Uruk
by Lady Courage
Summary: Pippin discovers several things about Uruk-hai.  One being they stink badly.  The other being they secretly long to sing in a choir.


Pippin ran along beside an enormous Uruk-hai and glared around at the surrounding countryside. It was clear of any other movement, and not a sign of rescue met his vision. With a frustrated sigh he concentrated on running again. _Blast these stupid, overgrown orcs, _he grumbled to himself, _as if going to meet Saruman weren't bad enough, these huge lugs are impossible to keep up with!_ He continued to grumble to himself, soon turning his dismal thoughts to the chances of rescue. _How will anyone even be able to see me and Merry through the forest of smelly legs and torsos? They won't even know I'm here. _This set him into such a pouting mode, that when the Uruk ahead of him stomped heedlessly through a patch of mud (trust there to be mud when there's been no rain for days and a pouting Hobbit is in the vicinity) and splashed him in the face, Pippin let loose a snarl, complete with bared and muddy teeth, that turned several heads. A few laughs and a shove to his shoulders were the only results of this outbreak, and Pippin was once again left to run as fast as his short legs to carry him. Suddenly a thought struck him, and he very suddenly swerved away from the group and dashed headlong into the hills. Or at least, he tried to. He was soon caught, as everyone knows, but he left behind his little elvish broach, away from the tracks of the Uruk-hai. I would write the details, but I would only be repeating what has already been told.

After this incident, Pippin was swept off the ground and held by an Uruk instead of being allowed to run. Pippin squirmed mightily, and yelped, "Let go of me you- you nasty, smelly, overgrown, filthy, yeller-bellied-"

The Uruk growled and clamped his huge hand over Pippin's mouth.

Pippin's yells were changed to "Mmph! Mmmph umph rmmph!" His wind was mostly cut off, and he quickly became dizzy from the lack of it. Perhaps if he had quit fighting he wouldn't have had that issue. But instead, to fix it, he tried kicking the Uruk. The Uruk shifted him a little and Pippin was only kicking its hard thigh. Next he tried jabbing the Uruk with his elbow, but as his arms were clamped by his sides, that didn't work either. He was becoming desperate now, and as a last resort he bit the hand that was on his mouth. Bad, bad, _bad_ idea. The Uruk released his mouth with a grunt and shook his hand. But Pippin gagged and hacked and spat wildly.

"Holy bath time, you taste AWFUL!" he shouted, and gagged, "Oh, _oh_, _OH_ I'm gonna puke! Uugghh, when was the last time you took a bath? Holy hairy toes, what would your Mama say? You'd kill her just by hugging her! Never mind tryin' to give her a kiss! OH!" he gagged again, his whole body heaving with the violence of it.

Several Uruks beside him began to snigger, and the one that was holding him grew slightly pink in the cheeks. But no-one saw it because its skin was so dark.

"Shut up, pipsqueak," it growled under its breath.

"Pipsqueak!" exclaimed Pippin, "That is NOT my name! Some people call me Pip, but I am NOT! Most certainly _NOT_! Pipsqueak! Go pick on someone your own size, you great lummox!"

"Just _shut up_," snarled the Uruk, and gave Pippin a threatening squeeze.

"OOOOWWWW!" howled Pippin, thoroughly infuriated, and fully planning on humiliating the Uruk as much as he could.

One of the neighboring Uruks shouted something at the one holding Pippin in a jeering sort of tone, and Pippin's Uruk snapped something back in a very threatening, deep bass tone that rumbled in his chest and shook Pippin until his teeth rattled.

"Holy voice range!" He exclaimed, "You should be in the church choir!"

The Uruk gave a roar of frustration, and suddenly jerked Pippin out away from its body and held him by his shirt collar, which position sufficiently shut off enough air that again, Pippin stopped yelling.

However, the shouts of harsh laughter from around them only escalated at this new turn of events, and the Uruk who held Pippin was forced to listen to it, though it did so in a fuming silence. By the time the laughter died down, Pippin's face had changed several colors, going from normal, to red, to pale, to blue.

"If I let you breathe will you promise to stop screaming?" snarled the Uruk.

Pippin nodded mutely.

"Alright then," muttered the Uruk, and returned Pippin to his previous position.

Pippin gasped for breath, and his face began to return to its natural color. After a moment of blessed silence, Pippin said, "You know, you really should join a choir."

The Uruk growled, but said nothing.

Undeterred, Pippin continued, "You really do have a wonderful range! And such a deep, richness to your tones! I think they would really like you."

Again, the Uruk growled, but said nothing.

"When this is all over, come to me and I'll see if I can get you into one!"

A dozen round and bright eyes stared at Pippin as he leaned back in his chair and lit his pipe. None of the children made a sound while he got the pipe puffing and continued his story.

"And soon after that I was passed off to another Uruk, and I've never seen him since."

"Do you think he joined the choir, Uncle Pippin?"

"Holy Hornblower, of course not! No self respecting Uruk-hai would _ever_ do such a silly thing. I was only taunting him."

The children pondered his story very thoughtfully, but the silence was broken when Pippin's wife, Diamond, sang out the cookies were done. There was a general scramble and the children were gone in a flash.

Pippin sighed contentedly and leaned back in his easy chair. It wasn't until then that he noticed Merry standing in the doorway looking at him. Pippin grinned and waved him to a chair.

"Um, Pippin," began Merry, in a slightly hesitant tone, "Did… did that really happen?"

"Did what happen, my dear Merry?"

"All that with the Uruk you were telling the kids."

"Oh. Well, yes of course it did! Would I tell a lie?"

"Um, no, not exactly. But, I do not recall that happening at all."

"You must have still been passed out," replied Pippin, casually.

"Are you sure you're not, _embellishing_ it?"

"Well… Maybe a little. But what's the harm in that?"

"You never know Pippin. But, words can be a powerful thing."

"Eh, you worry too much Merry."

Just then there was a knock on the door. They saw Diamond go to it and open it, and heard her say, "Good gracious me! What is it you'll be wanting here, sir?"

A deep, powerful voice said, "I am here calling on Mr. Peregrin Took. He may not remember it, but he once offered to give me some aid in relation to singing. Now that I have reformed, I thought I would follow up on that offer."

Merry stared in complete shock. "Ok Pippin, I think I believe you now." There was a little strangled shriek from beside him, and he looked at Pippin in time to see the easy chair tip over backwards and crash to the floor. Merry could only see Pippin's hairy toes pointed straight up towards the ceiling.

"Um, Pippin…" Merry peered over the top of the over turned chair, "What's wrong?"

"I lied!" gasped Pippin.

"You did? But I just heard the proof of your story!"

"No, no, not about that!"

"Then what did you lie about?"

Pippin groaned, "I lied when I told the Uruk he could sing! Now what'll I do Merry? Oh, what will I do?"


End file.
